?

Log in

I'll burn every bridge that I cross [entries|friends|calendar]
alex_n

[ website | myspace ]
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[28 Jan 2010|08:37pm]
http://cityofelectriclights.tumblr.com/
post comment

[10 Apr 2009|11:00am]
its alllllll good.
post comment

first show with Karl Blau and funnest night ever! [30 Oct 2008|08:57pm]
karl blau @ UGCH (photo by Erik Simkins)
karl blau @ UGCH (photo by Erik Simkins)
karl blau @ UGCH (photo by Erik Simkins)
karl blau @ UGCH (photo by Erik Simkins)
karl blau @ UGCH (photo by Erik Simkins)
kevin was so tired.
karl blau @ UGCH (photo by Erik Simkins)
1 comment|post comment

The Feminist Connection [23 Oct 2008|12:17pm]
I am "dj-ing" an event on campus called the Feminist Connection, and I am getting into so much music right now that I've been meaning to listen to but never sat down and took the time:

Team Gina
The Butchies
Patti Smith
Blood Red Shoes
Mika Miko
Honey is Cool (singer is now singer of The Knife)
Bratmobile
Team Dresch


yes yes yes!

p.s.
my friend Augustine too these photos and they make me really happy :)

Augustine took this!

Favorite Picture by Augustine.

Augustine took this!
post comment

the most exciting news ever.... [03 Oct 2008|10:45pm]
I AM DRUMMING FOR KARL BLAU! Just for his little northwest tour- which I am also booking. Washington, Oregon, Idaho, etc. I am so excited to be a part of his project, and to help spread the word of his new album, Natures Got Away. It was just released on K records, and it is beautiful and energetic and so full of good vibes, I can't even describe. I won't be playing all the shows, just all the ones I can. It's me, Karl, and Kevin Erickson, who lives in the DOS.
Band practice #2 is tomorrow!
Speaking of Kevin, he just got the most amazing, lifetime opportunity job- Development Director for the All Ages Music Project. The only sad thing is that, he's the backbone to the Department of Safety right now, and his new job will require him to relocate in November. I am a little nervous as to how the venue will go without him. I know it will be okay, but it's just going to take a lot of work and dedication and someone will need to step up the way Kevin has - because he's literally given his life to that place. It will all work out, and Kevin's job is going to be such an awesome experience.
On another note, school is going well for the first time in a long time. I understand my math class for once, and I'm just really enjoying the subject matter of all my classes. I'm taking Humanities of Africa, Intro to Mass Media, Math 107, and the Folk Music experience. My math class deals with real life situations like savings accounts, managing budgets and debt, etc. and in my folk music class we just play Woody Guthrie songs while sitting around in a circle for an hour. We pass around mandolins, guitars, ukuleles, and banjos. So much fun.
I am also in love, and loved back, which is a first.
Life just seems to be treating me well right now. I have a few money problems, but whatever. It's also a little stressful trying to book 16 bands a month and getting all the paperwork back/turned in on time...but I'm getting paid to book shows. That is all I need to remind myself of to make the stress worth it.
:)
music music music, all the time.
I think I want to start playing real shows with my "Cumulus" project as well.
At an open mic recently, I closed the night with a song that I wrote about rape and sexual assault, and tried to encourage more women to have a voice and play music. I want to set up open mic nights a few nights a quarter called "Take Back the Mic" to encourage more women to play and create a safe space where we feel we can play. Out of 40 people signed up for open mic on tuesday night, I think 5 of them were women. I know there are more women at this school who make music than that.
Anyways, here are the lyrics to the song that I wrote. It's titled "Wolves." I feel like it is one of the most important songs I've ever written.
The inspiration came to me through hearing friends and families experiences, thinking about my own, and then just studying up on the backgrounds of children's fairy tales and the mystery behind the character of the wolf. In the original Charles Peroux version of Little Red Riding Hood, called Little Red Cap, the wolf actually rapes red cap and then eats her. In old french slang, to loose your virginity was "to see the wolf." I also reccomend reading the Anne Sexton version of Little Red Riding Hood.

"Wolves"

You cast your gaze
but who says that she wants it?
You look over at her from across the room with those eyes,
but who says she's in need of anything you provide?
You told the man she was asking for it,
when she put on that skirt.
Your right, she must have had you in mind,
when she envisioned the Freudian fantasy of
her own rape that night.

Doesn't every woman just want it?
Doesn't every woman just want it?
Doesn't every woman just want you?
No No.

Some come along on your white steed,
and take the princess's virginity.
A girl just loves to be chased by
a wolf in prince's clothing.
Lean over her,
unconscious body.
Her red lips shine with tranquility;
a soft and quiet docility;
her silence was made-
to mean yes.


______________

This song is also a reaction to the horrible horrible blame that media, family, and the court system so often place on women after they have become a victim to domestic abuse, sexual assault, and rape. A woman is always supposed to know better. A woman should know better than to walk alone late at night. A woman should know better than to go to a bar alone. A woman should know better than to kiss someone at a party and expect that to be it. A woman should know better than to wear those heels. It's her fault. She was too tempting. She was a tease. She was drunk.
Fuck that.
MALE PRIVILEGE. Does a man not understand that he doesn't ever have to consider these things? When as a male, do you have to carry keys between your knuckles as you walk to your car, just to feel safe? When as a male do you have to worry that what you are wearing will make you look like a slut? When as a male do you have to worry about getting raped at a party? I"m not saying these things don't happen, but what I am saying is that the burden is on women, the pain is felt by women, these fears are fears that haunt so many women every single day, and it is never never never a woman's fault or a woman's responsibility to halt her life and her hobbies and her fun and her work and her style to the effect of "she should have known better." Known better than what? Should have known better than to feel safe, feel beautiful, feel confident, to have fun? I guess in society right now- everyone wants the answer to that question to be yes, because otherwise, I'm asking for it.
1 comment|post comment

life [02 Aug 2008|12:58pm]
I wish I could change my user name on this thing. I remember getting this live journal when I was 15 and I named it absent_tears because a so and so was a dating disaster and I was super melodramatic and said "oh yeah! well I'm not going to cry!" hence the screen name, absent_tears. wow. could it get anymore cheesy?
and plus, I like to cry. Tears are healthy stress relievers at important times.
I even cried at what the heck fest after watching Kimya and Genvieve play their set.
What the heck fest was a pretty strong lineup of men, and really not a very proportionate representation of female artists, so when Saturday night came about, watching Your Heart Breaks, then Kimya, the Genvieve was just so awakening and beautiful. Girls need to see more women on the stage so that we can imagine our selves up there too! And with Kimya's set, she had three women come up on stage who are in a band called The Midtown Dickens, and they accompanied Kimya for part of her set with no prior practice or anything. I don't think they had ever played with Kimya before, and it was a totally spontaneous thing. I have never gone to a show and seen women" jam." I've seen solo singer songwriter women. I've seen women play back up in male fronted bands. I've seen a few bands that are mostly or all female, but always so reserved. Every year at heck fest I see all the family regulars, like Little Wings, Karl Blau, and International Falls do random improv. music sessions, and they always turn out great, but never in my life of attending shows, had I ever seen a group of women on stage, spontaneously creating and having fun. One woman played Saw, another played accordion, and another woman played drums. They were talking with each other about what key they should start in, and then, they just started playing! I just broke into tears because they were having so much fun up on that stage, just laughing at their mistakes, smiling and singing with each other, joking around, but just sounding amazing and representing everything that music should be- meaningful and fun. I also think that the content that Kimya sings about is so crucially important to women and young girls, especially with her growing popularity. She is honest and strong, and someone I feel to be one of the best role models for a young girl to have. She broke into a song about body hair that was so good, talking about how we are all animals and this isn't something we should forget, and we are born with body hair for a reason and it's perfectly natural to have hair on your legs and your arms, and "even down there." That song is from one of her upcoming children's albums. seriously, her daughter Panda is going to grow up to be such a brilliant young woman.
Genvieve played after Kimya, and was breath taking. I couldn't take my eyes off of her because her voice and her movements were so mesmerizing. Even though Genvieve sings in French and I speak no French whatsoever, I feel like in some weird way I understand everything she's saying. Not in the literal sense of language or lyrics, but just on this human to human level where at times you find yourself, through art, able to feel another person's pain, anger, strength, and love..that's the feeling that I get when I watch Genvieve. As she played guitar on the loop pedal, she harmonized with her own vocals, creating an entire song in front of your eyes. (I think she's always played this way, or a least every time I have seen her in the past.) This performance had an impact on me more than any of the past performances I've seen of her though, and I think it's because she really put herself out there, raw and powerful. Earlier in the week we were talking about struggle of wanting to be loud and being a female musician and how it can be hard to allow yourself to scream, to be loud. That night she did it. Her voice filled the room, booming and beautiful. Her hands contorted into images of frustration on some points, and in other moments placed across her chest, or around her throat, or pointing into the thin air. When singing, her eyes are almost always closed, as if nothing else matters. There are not even enough words to describe the beauty I felt that night of Heck Fest. But onto another note.

I will be playing a show with Tiny Vipers here in the Department of Safety on August 14th, a Thursday. I'm nervous and excited. I'm nervous until I see other women playing music, and then I get this feeling that it's all I want to do with my life and I'll figure out all of my self doubt and confusion issues eventually and come to like and respect what I create. Eventually. So many of my doubts are tied into my identity as a woman, and I wonder if one day I'll be able to take those fears and doubts and really harness them to create positive change.

I can't believe the summer is coming to an end. I don't want to leave Anacortes. I do look forward to being with my room mate in Bellingham again, and living in a house with a working bathroom, and going to school, but there are so many things I'm going to miss about this place, not to mention the people I've grown close to. I don't even want to think about when Gus moves back to Australia at the end of the month. This place will not be the same without him.

Another note- I met a very cool boy who I am having a lot of fun with. It makes me smile on random occasions throughout the day to have someone to think about, and I'm really enjoying it :)

p.s.
get psyched.

Mount Eerie Julie Doiron TourCollapse )
1 comment|post comment

[10 Jul 2008|08:45pm]
i can't write anything. ahhdaslfjajdasdfljkadsfjl
1 comment|post comment

[06 Jun 2008|12:53am]
anacortes anacortes anacortes anacortes anacortes
now now now now now
in ten days.


anne sexton is amazing.
2 comments|post comment

[27 May 2008|11:24pm]
i'm failing school right now. this sucks.
i am also in debt/owe people money/have barely any food.

this will all be over soon right?
1 comment|post comment

[26 May 2008|02:35pm]
things are going to get hectic.
the final two/three weeks of school are here, i can't believe it came so fast!
i haven't been doing very well, but i think it is because i am just burn out.
i'm really excited to have a stretch of time where i am not thinking about grades,
tests, essays, and required readings. i want to read books for pleasure, soak in
some sun, enjoy the company of my friends and not feel guilty....

sasquatch was a ton of fun, but very very hectic.
i had two free tickets, and realized that i had physically lost them about four days before the show.
i had to buy a ticket, but then they sold out! so we didn't even end up getting a ticket for me,
until we pulled into our parking spot and saw a ticket scalper literally right next to our car.
we also went to sasquatch with no camping reservations, so we had no idea where we were going to stay,
but we ended up just driving back to seattle that night. during the festival i watched okkervil river, the
breeders, joshua morrison, beirut, and some others. i'm really bummed that i missed fleet foxes because i have
always wanted to see them play. i didn't go to MIA (people's jaws drop when i tell them that) because the crowd was too crazy and i was hungover, so i got front row at okkervil instead. i also got to meet beirut which was cool because he wanted to meet all of ross's friends. it was definitely one of those experiences where you realize people are people, musicians too haha. music wise, i would say the day was not worth the 90 dollars i spent on a ticket, but having fun in the sun with my best friends was totally worth it, plus the Gorge is so beautiful.

i am moving into the department of safety in two weeks! i have to get all my shit together, which is also pretty stressful, but i am looking forward to the summer so much. my summer project is to get a dark room put together in the basement, and we have some amazing amazing concerts coming this summer. what is really cool is that booking for the d.o.s. is really a community effort. we have a board where we all sit down, and talk about our questions, concerns, and ideas for what we want to see. i still have to get a job in anacortes as well. i hope that turns out okay!

anyways, i'm just really excited at this surge of creativity and energy i am feeling. i'm just surrounding myself with so many great people. i know some great things are going to be happening really soon.

here are some of my favorite pictures from the weekend:







beirut
1 comment|post comment

[30 Mar 2008|12:13pm]
so, what is new? i'm just playing a lot of music which is an amazing feeling. i'm playing drums for an all girl band with my friends jenn, casey, and anjali, but we haven't agreed on a band name yet. we have a gig in early april, but i'm really nervous, because they want me to drum and sing at the same time...which i'm not too psyched about.

my job at KUGS is almost over, but i've applied for a new position with the school as Underground Coffee House Program Coordinator. i really hope i get this job because it would mean that I would be booking all of the shows for the underground coffee house for the next school year! ahhh! and this summer, i am moving into the Department of Safety in Anacortes, so i will have the opportunity to help out maintaining the art gallery, booking bands, keeping up the venue, and helping out with What the Heck Fest!
also, my friend john vandeusen is doing a solo project, and over the summer, i'm going to be his drummer! our friend braydn is going to play bass, i'm going to play drums, john will sing and play keyboard and/or guitar, and we are going to play all kinds of little shows around washington.
I can't even believe all the opportunities that have been coming my way lately.
other than that, it's just school and friends. i'm meeting all kinds of new people lately, and i became really good friends with a girl that lives up the street from me, so now i have a neighbor friend just like old times. i can go over to her house and ring the doorbell and ask if she can come out and play- we have a park up the street to. i love home. i love this town. i need to focus more on my school work this quarter as well. last quarter wasn't so great for me.
i'm really excited to take my feminist theory class.
the vagina memoirs performances went so well! we had about 250 people show up to each performance, and i still have people stopping me on the street telling me they really related to my story.
i went to portland/gresham/and vancouver wa. for spring break which was really nice. spent so much money on clothes that now i am broke for a long long while, but whatever. i don't go shopping that often.
now i'm going to go play guitar with my friend casey. i need to update this more often.
3 comments|post comment

[04 Jan 2008|08:51pm]
break was just crazy. i was in coupeville for two weeks helping my oma recover from a heart surgery she recently underwent.now that i've been home for the last week i can finally relax, but only partially. i'm still worried about her ability to take care of herself.
i'm playing music with some girls finally! i'm drumming, we've already had one practice, and we are practicing again tomorrow at noon! the feeling of actually drumming with other people and making music is so amazing. so much better than drumming to myself or headphones in my room. and it's about time. i've been playing for four years now and never did anything with it besides keep it to myself.
on new years, i kissed the handsomest guy ever. seriously. i was at a party, and was not even expecting a new years kiss. i was going to kiss my friend jenn. then, i started talking about the horrible music that was playing with a few of my friends, and this guy whom i had met. i'd seen him before downtown because he works at the local co-op, but we'd never talked before.
this guy was so good looking and fashionable, i seriously thought he was gay...he was wearing a pea coat, scarf, the perfect five o'clock shadow- and then we started dancing, and talking, and at midnight we kissed! it's kind of cool because he is this mystery guy who i know nothing about. and he told me that he saw me at the co op a few months ago and thought that i was really cute, and it was just so unexpected and so nice! i think we are going to go out for coffee soon, and he seems like a really cool guy. good taste in music and clothes? whaa? haha.
school starts on tuesday, and my hectic schedule of school and work will start all over again. i'm really going to make a change for the better in my study habits this next quarter though. i've always recieved good grades, but never really felt they were earned. i just get so burnt out throughout the day, the last thing i want to do when i get home is read or do homework. but hey, just 2 1/2 more years.
and i'm almost 20. and next year 21. crazy.

p.s. here are some adorable photos from back home and my oma modeling:

gangsta
christmas is tiring.
sky vains

pentax vanity
post comment

[18 Nov 2007|03:52am]
it is so scary calling someone on their bullshit.
there is a guy who i've been kind of seeing for the past month, just someone i've been getting to know. i really like this guy, and the first two weeks we were hanging out almost every night and it was so amazing..but now he doesn't call. i call. whenever i call, he says he doesn't feel like hanging out very much or that he'll call me laster, and he never does. i know i know usually this is a pretty direct message, but he makes it seem so casual. it always feels like he has a good reason every time, like he's just too tired or blah blah blah. and we hungout earlier in the week and it was fun like always, but it felt like it took so much to get him to hangout, and i'm done with that.
i had thanksgiving dinner with all of my friends tonight, and came home around 10:30 and wanted to see him. he told me he would call me when he got done with the party he was at.
i played some guitar, uploaded some pictures, talked to my mom, until eventually midnight rolled around. then i put on a velvet teen record, and slept on the couch with my phone on my chest. i was all dressed up in a dress from dinner and was really looking forward to seeing him and being dressed up and what not, but he never called and it just left me feeling like a fool. again. and i am so DONE with that.
i hate feeling needy. i try to take pride in the fact that i can entertain myself. i have all kinds of great friends, i like to play my music, i have school to study..my point is i just shouldn't be waiting around for anyone who obviously doesn't want me. it's hard to fully enjoy my friends and activities when there is someone who is confusing you on your mind- so he will no longer be on my mind in that i will stop trying. he has.
i wrote these thoughts to him in an email, and it makes me nervous just for the fact that i really do like him. that is the part that sucks. the email is harsh, my feelings are harsh, but i really do feel kind of hurt and i'm really glad i didn't get as attached as i could have.
it's guys like this that make me a rock though. there is no point to opening up to anyone these days.
3 comments|post comment

3 day weekend! [12 Nov 2007|04:29am]
i got to borrow my friend jon's camera and took some really nice portraits of my friends ross and forrest. the first one of ross is my favorite. that's the stereo he carries around on a strap so that we can listen to tape cassette mixes of bruce springsteen and michael jackson on our walks home from parties.
this weekend has been really nice. i'm trying to put together an art project that "expresses my identity- personally, socially, and politically." yeah, it's quite the task. i'm just kind of painting and seeing where it goes. i haven't really painted or attempted that kind of art since i was a little kid.
i've also started a real blog at www.spiritquesting.com
i haven't started writing in it yet, but i will be very soon. it's a group of amazing people who i hold very close to me, creating a community of creative thought and inspiring, thought provoking social dialog. you should all check it out!


ross #2
forrest #2
sophisticate
ross #3
pwned


trashy art.
cowboy of the month!
post comment

[24 Oct 2007|12:43am]
so, i'm reading all my old journals and it's really taking me back. it's so strange reading high school writings of insecurity and young love. something that really struck me though, is how passionate i was. photography was my life, and i was writing almost every day about something that struck me as funny, odd, beautiful, or amazing. i feel like right now, even though i'm doing a lot of great things and being really productive, i've lost a lot of my passion and a lot of my spark. i need to start writing again, every day. every day i need to at least just leave a note. i need to take more photos. i need to think more critically about my surroundings. and i need to not get so caught up in being busy. life is passing by.
1 comment|post comment

life is crazy. up and down. [29 Sep 2007|01:27am]
so, a lot is going on. the new quarter has begun, and my classes plus radio work has definitely been keeping me busy. i've danced more in the past week than i danced in my entire high school career. if it was possible to flatten the arches of your feet in one week, this would have been the week. so much jumping and arm waving. "info fair" was in red square this last week, and we dj'd and played kick ass dance music as i was dressed up dancing around in a unicorn outfit. tonight we hosted a dance party in the viking union. i went to two different dance parties throughout the week. seriously, you just don't need the gym if you frequent enough dancing events.

besides that, my classes are a little stressful. i'm taking math 112, which is really just algebra stuff, but i haven't taken math let alone done a real math problem since the first semester of my junior year in high school. i'm pretty screwed. somehow, i'll have to balance tutoring, work, class, and a social life.
i'm also taking german 101 which is really exciting. i'll finally get to converse with my oma in german and visit home and talk to relatives without the language barrier.

my relationships this summer have been ridiculous. it was a really interesting summer overall. i learned a lot about myself, created an amazing friendship, but also went through a lot of pain.
i started dating a friend...and co-worker (bad idea i know) around the time summer started. it ended in a lot of pain and drama and awfulness that i can't even describe, and i was left feeling pretty used and miserable. he was going through a lot of problems without telling me, and chose to take them all out on me as well. he said a lot of horrible things to me that i really don't feel i deserved, and i'm now closer to understanding the reasons behind all this anger, but that doesn't change the fact that it hurts...being the target of such direct hatred and depression.

i've also now come upon this unhealthy distaste for sleeping alone...or being alone for long at all really. i find myself in the arms of people who i really don't care that much about, just so i'm not sleeping alone, just so i have someone to think about- and i still give too much of myself emotionally to these people who i know are using me just as much as i'm using them. it's the most confusing state i've ever been in relationship wise. on one hand, i feel it's perfectly healthy to have desires and seek out physical and emotional connections with who i please, but now that i'm ventured into this "adult" arena- the game is played so differently. people expect sex so fast, and i just want someone to hold me. i want to meet someone, take them home, sleep next to them and kiss their neck and lips and hold their hand, and listen to damien juarado. i want someone who will lay on the rug in the dark next to me and listen to all of our favorite records. i want someone who wants me in more ways than just one. i'm tired of sex. not the act, but the after glow. it's not a glow at all, in what i've experienced. it's a loss of mystery, it's a lack of glow really. on one hand i feel like sex is healthy and beautiful and okay to desire, but i'd just like to feel love with it. i'd like to feel love i think...yet i slept next to a practical stranger the night before.

another thing that stresses me is my oma. she means the world to me and she is not in good health. she's getting a heart valve transplant in 3 weeks, and she's pale and skinny. she hasnt' been getting enough oxygen to her heart. she just returned from germany, and i haven't seen or talked to her since june. i'm so scared for her. i don't know what i'll do without her in my life. i know the time has to come eventually, but i've just learned to ignore that fact. i can't think that way. i need her. i love her. i don't know what i'd do without her. i don't think i would ever recover. i need her. i need her to survive this surgery. i need to hear her voice. i need her to stay in my life. i wish i could be there for her more. i'll be by her side during the operation. for the first time, i feel like i want to pray. i don't know to what, but i just know that i want her to be okay.
1 comment|post comment

[27 Jul 2007|12:42am]
so, i have a ton of homework in the next couple of days but next week is the last week of summer school! and then i have no essays to write for another 2 months, thank god.
the weather is finally starting to shape up.
what the heck fest was an amazing weekend. it was so nice to be in anacortes for four days, but i was ready to come back home and lay in my own bed once the festivities were over.
here are some pictures from recent outings:



summer time, summer colors!Collapse )
post comment

[16 Jul 2007|01:25am]
so, i really just am a horribly lazy unorganized, unmotivated student.
my house is slowly piling up with clutter.
i've lived here for a month and i still haven't put my clothes into drawers. they are occupying the floor in the corner of my room.
i had so much homework this weekend, and knew it and decided to do fun stuff instead.
in about 7 hours i have a 5 page creative writing paper due, a 3 to 4 page movie analysis, and 20 journal entries (of which I only have 8). how much do i have done so far? hmmmm. none.
let's see if i can pull this off. if i do, i will be a legend, and this is seriously the last time i ever procrastinate homework like this.
i need to change. i need to organize. i need to fucking grow up.
post comment

moved in. [16 Jun 2007|11:12am]
i officially have my own place. it feels so crazy, all of the responsibility. having to keep the heat off to save money, actually making sure no lights are left on when they don't need to be, taking the trash out on thursdays, blah blah blah.
the only thing that really pisses me off is that because we moved in on the same day the previous people moved out (we helped them take stuff back to whidbey island) they left the house fucking messy. it's like they didn't even start cleaning the house until that morning and their idea of cleaning is vacuuming with a vacuum that doesn't work and sweeping the floors. the fridge/freezer is disgusting, the counters are disgusting, every surface is dusty/sticky/food crumbs, so that pissed me off because i had to spend hours (and still am) cleaning up other peoples mess. i really don't mind cleaning when it's my mess- but the one thing that really REALLY grosses me out is other peoples food messes. ever since i was a kid, i'd wash the dishes, but i sure as hell wouldn't touch anybodys dirty napkins. blech.
but yeah. it takes hours to clean a disgusting refrigerator, and it wasn't fun.
my dad spent the night and we got a lot done. i still have a lot to unpack and windows and surfaces to clean, but i'm warming up to the place. i wish i had some help cleaning though, like a friend to make it fun.
anyways, i'll post pictures up soon. <3
3 comments|post comment

[05 Jun 2007|04:07am]
[ mood | cynical ]

so, i'm single now, and it's really weird. we've been dating since january. i feel a combination of feelings. me and billy were planning on taking a break for the summer, but i just wanted it to end better than this. i thought it would.
for some reason, i envisioned things happening so easy. i envisioned us having fun together and enjoying each others company every day we could up until the day we'd have to leave, then we would do our own things for the summer, keep in touch over the phone a little maybe, and then go into next year open to being back together. that was my perfect little vision of what would happen, but things never turn out that nicely. i tend to get into this routine pattern of meeting and dating guys that get tired of me.
this last month he has been so disconnected, so far away, even when he's standing next to me. we would literally be in my small twin bed with 6 inches between us, i'd kiss his cheek, and he wouldn't kiss me back. he'd just lay there on his side of the bed as i sat there wondering "what is wrong with me?" i think that is probably one of the worst feelings you can ever experience, the feeling that you can't make someone happy and the feeling that you are inadequate. the feeling that you are unwanted even though you are making every effort possible to get the relationship to work.
i confronted him on his absence,telling him how it made me feel abandoned, and that i needed to know what was on his mind. he told me i was right. his feelings changed for me over these last few weeks and he was too afraid to tell me because he didn't want to hurt me. he knew that i expected us to just end it when school was over so he was trying...pretending really, that he still wanted to be my boyfriend. the thing he didn't understand though is that, simply a touch, or simply a word or even company in general doesn't mean a thing unless...there is meaning behind it. just being with him isn't what gave me joy. what gave me joy was seeing him happy and doing things that made him happy and made him laugh and knowing that he cared about me and i cared about him. that is what relationships are about. these past few weeks watching him close me off, watching him push me away, and feeling him not wanting to be with me... that has killed more than the truth would have. i would have understood if he told me from the beginning. i just feel so stupid and foolish now for having put so much emotion and effort into someone that wasn't even feeling the same as i was.
now here i am, having to get over him, when he's already been over me for quite some time.
he says that i really do mean a lot to him, that he's learned a lot about himself through this relationship, that he won't forget the good times, and that he wants to be my friend. in that sense, the relationship ended pretty clean. i was very rational..there were no harsh words, just honest feelings, finally. but they were so long overdue and all of this emptiness has just jaded me from any good there might have been. it feels gone now and i feel so rejected.
i still don't understand how someone wants you one moment and then they don't. i hate the fact that people get tired of one another. i know it happens, and i do it every day, but it doesn't change the fact i hate it. sometimes i wonder what is the point. it doesn't seem like any relationship can last anymore, not even friends. you just grow tired of everyone and the only person left to rely on is yourself. that is where i am at right now... a little bit bitter.
i also know there is a brighter side though. i finally found a room mate for my two bedroom house/apartment. (it's the bottom floor of a two story house, completely separated from the top floor.) she's a really cool girl with a lot of the same interests as me, and the coolest part is that she isn't moving in until september, but she's paying rent for july and august...so basically i get the whole place to myself all summer. my friend braydn is going to give me drum lessons in anacortes once a weekend. i'll be starting my job on the 18th and working with some amazing people.
i just need to get through these next few weeks. these finals and all of the moving is going to be stressful, especially in a time where i feel so alone. it will be weird not having him to go to. he's been there for so long it feels. "over" is such a strange word.
it's really late, and i have class in the morning. i just thought i would get this all of my chest.

1 comment|post comment

navigation
[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]